Carissa Daniel

Live Like No One Is Watching

In my early twenties, I had a great admiration for people, who I perceived to be free spirited beings. I adored how liberated and free they seemed to live. They appeared to ooze a carefree, 'easygoingness' in their walk, talk, expressions and overall way of being. I was entranced by them.

One of the reasons I was intensely drawn in by these liberated beings, was due to the immense restriction and uneasiness I felt in my own life.

I longed to feel comfortable in my own skin, make choices without feeling judged, do things simply because I wanted to explore and experience it and just be me. My heart yearned to live like no one was watching.

It's extremely evident when someone is super comfortable in their beingness. They are alluring, mesmerizing and powerfully sexy. It’s beyond confidence, it’s a flow, an ease, a completion that is expressed in all that they do. And I truly wanted to be that, to feel like that, to live that. That became my goal and my mission.

To satisfy this mission, I first began to look at the people, things and situations I believed, did not facilitate my liberated self, in an attempt to escape my captors. However, after some deep soul searching, what I found on all accounts was a common thread, ME. My confined state had absolutely nothing to do with anyone, anything or any situation. It was all me.

I was the one withholding my permission to live freely and without reservation. No one was holding a gun to my head (even though it felt that way) demanding that I do or don't do. I was 100% responsible for my life and it’s contents and expressions.

Despite this realization, the struggle of the illusion was real. I placed a great deal of blame on my parents, especially my dad, for being strict and dominating, not allowing me to choose, not allowing me to be who I wanted to be. I walked around with this blame heavily weighing me down and shaping the way I saw others and experienced most things.

It affected all aspects of my life. The people and situations I seemed to attract felt as if they were all trying to control me and dictate my life. From my teachers, to romantic partners, family members, to my religious leaders. Everyone seemed to have the same agenda.

At that point, I fully understood that when I was a child I was obligated to follow the direction and directives of my elders, however, as an adult, I was no longer restricted by my age and immaturity. I was an adult who was allowing herself to succumb to the whims and fancies of others because she did not know who she was. 

This was at the heart of my issue. I had no clue who I was. This of course made it easy to be beguiled and pushed and pulled in any direction. This discovery led to the uncovering of my greatest treasure, me. 

For the next few years, getting to know who I was became my focus. Not just the socialized, conditioned me but the real me, the one buried under the low self-esteem, the feelings of inferiority, the inadequacy, the lack of trust in myself and the non acceptance.

I spent a great deal of time, letting go, releasing, forgiving and clearing un-serving beliefs, perspectives and thoughts, that were contributing to my contracted state. I had to go to the deep dark places I did not even know existed. I had to be blatantly honest with myself, seeing the parts of me I would have preferred to not acknowledge existed. I had to become vulnerable to life.

Freeing myself has been a continuous a journey but the most worthwhile one. It has been and remains my life's work but tremendously satisfying work.

This journey has revealed that the free, liberated Carissa  has always been there, all along. 

The Carissa who isn’t afraid to step out without being sure of where her feet will land because she trusts that she is continuously supported. 

The Carissa who isn’t ashamed of admitting her errors and mistakes but is willing and ready to learn from them and grow because of them.

The Carissa who accepts all of her, her body, her quirks and her limitations.

The Carissa who is free to dress, walk, talk, dance and sing without feeling judged. 

The Carissa who is liberated to explore her spirituality, sexuality, creativity and 'beingness' without reservation. 

She has always been there, waiting to be re-discovered, waiting to be embraced, waiting to be accepted, waiting to be liberated and free.

This uncovering and acceptance of my true self has given me the permission to live the life I've always yearned to live, one that is care-free and emancipated.